Saturday, October 09, 2004 . 11:29 PM

ytd went online. had a few minutes chat with kaifeng.. yup. asked about how their fyp coming along.. den he offline le.. haiz.. maybe he too busy bahz.. den later shukai came online.. asked him if he ytd ok anot.. den now also how.. haiz.. he feel sad.. and i noe how's he feelin.. cox i felt all this before too.. the pain he has been inflicted must be very heart-brokening.. but i can only advice him.. cox afterall, i'm just an outsider who knew nothing about his relationship with his gf.. haiz.. i really hope that everything will be alright between the two of them..

[F]isHy sAys: I wished that there will be someone for me when i'm troubled.. coz i can't cope with all that is happening now..

i'm feeling real sad today.. i just feel like crying.. coz i don't feel the love, care and concern from my family members.. just a few days back, my second sis lost her file with lotsa her school files inside.. she said that she passed it to my third sis and when she came home, she tot my third sis was playin a joke on her.. till night time she realised that it is really missing.. and she cried.. my mom was so angry then.. who's fault is it is still unknown. but to me, the fault lies in my second sis. well, if she never ask my third sis to take the file just becoz she wanted to buy some titbits and eat, everything would be alright, isn't it so? but somehow, the way my mom says it.. she's protecting my second sis and kept blaming for third sis.. no doubt my third sis maybe naughty but she wont purposely lose the file.. and just this afternoon, my mom told my second sis to get the files from her friend so that she can photocopy.. and pls la, photocopy using the printer and then some words can't even be seen.. told my mom about the words that cant be seen, she just sae just using those wkshts to study for examz only don need do till so nice.. wadever lorx.. i was just givin my opinions. and well, maybe i was too busybody bahz.. if i was the one who lost the wkshts, my mom would have just tell me u ownself go photocopy.. which means, i need to take the wkshts from my friend and pay the photocopying fees myself cox it's MY FAULT that i lost it! come to think of it, call me jealous of my second sis or wad.. but i just feel that it's very very very unfair..

plus lately, josel and KP have like well, been said by their older siblings for not communicating with the family and all.. to me, if i never communicate with my family, no one will point out that i'm not showing much care for the family etc.. everyday my routine will just be wake up, go sch. end sch, come back home, eat dinner, bath and get down to my assignments.. and then when i go online to discuss assignments thingy and find some things for presentation, they will just say why i everytime online so long. so late still don slp, later tml cannot wake up and all those stuffs.. it just makes me even think that they don understand what i'm doing.. they don bother to ask.. tell them once that it was for my assignment thingys that i'm online till so late.. but still everytime, they would come and chase me to go offline.. fine then.. thinking that i'm asleep in my room, they didn't bother much anymore.. but in actual fact, i'm inside my room continuing my assignments even though there is no Internet.. it's hard though.. they will never understand what i'm going through now.. they can see that i am stress and keep askin me to manage my time well and all.. aren't i managing my time now? i really feel very sad about all these.. why is it that my mom always treat my second sis better than me and my third sis? so what if she's talented and clever and even went for the gifted program? so whAt? i'm HUman too!! even though i want wad i can have at times, mostly they are for a good cause.. but i just don see the reason why all the best things have to go to my second sis? and why is it that me and my third sis is always getting scolded by my mom? why is it so seldom that my second sis got scolded for anything wrong that she did? i jUst don UNDERSTAND!! i'm a human that needs love, care and concern too.. no one will ever care about me anymore.. i'm just a nobody in this world. who will ever care and love a nobody.. i never pointed all these thingys out to my parents at all, cox i noe that it's useless.. they wont care about it.. will just sae that i'm jealous of my second sis that's all.. felt so useless and helpless.. always i am hoping that someone will be by my side but in fact, no one will be.. i've imagined and dreamt too far.. lived in my own world of illusions for too long. time i woke up from the dreams and imagination. time to wake up and face the big world myself, all alone, with no help, feeling strengthless. haiz..

[F]isHy says: feel that my existence in this world is useless.. why am i still living? sometimes wished that i will never exist so there won't be so much problems.. i'm just like any depressed teens thinking of suicide.. but they wont noe what i am thinking of at all.. if one day i really die, maybe it will just be a load off their mind? i really dono.. *cries*