Friday, August 27, 2004 . 4:30 PM

hmn.. not feeling very good this moment.. seems abit moody this morning halfwae thru the lessons.. juz dono why.. suddenly missing him.. ya, although his presence don really affect me now, but sometimes, his thinking and all affect somehow.. today came to school, upon reaching dover, he became so quiet le.. is he feeling tired or was it me who is over-sensitive? i'm not very sure.. juz hope that one day, i will not be affected by his thinking and mood anymore.. it juz affects me manz! haizo.. now in 2034 burnin the gdit thingy.. sux lorz! burn at 2036 den cannot open.. baskET! damn irritated by it lorx! thought can have a nice day after handing in and all buthen.. wtF lahz.. jzu cant take it anymore lahz! i vEry tirEd now especially after having countless of sleepless nights..haiz..

hmn.. stayed back in lab during break time.. went to 2033 den later weizheng and alan(1A01- sher's buddy class) came over.. wah.. first thing saw me, ask me about the MRT game.. haha.. no way will i tell manz. . haha. . later kana killed by sher ar.. lolx.. anyway, they taught me to write craps in my gdit write-up.. and i like it.. haha, so long and all.. =P

Thursday, August 26, 2004 . 11:55 PM

came to school feelin tired.. haiz.. slept at 2.30am lor.. haiz.. josel came to school with a different dressing.. haha.. kana mel sae.. bad start for a day to josel.. she will cheer up sooner or later de.. haha..
hmn.. today got webp trial test.. so fun.. haha! finally i noe how to do webp liaoz.. lolx.. until when me and mel really dono how to do then we keep raising up our hands.. then mr tAn came over.. haha.. so poor thing.. until got one time we raised our hands he came over and said:" what thing you dono how to do now?" something like that.. haha.. very fun to disturb him leh.. :P
today CRS was so fun.. juz cant believe that we are talkin about teenage suicides.. one thing that i tried to do before in sec1.. yea.. cox of one teacher who is really so good to us.. and she needs to leave to further her studies.. haiz.. but come to think of that, it's stupid lah. . haha.. after CRS, went FC6 with WZ to buy ice milo and drink.. den walked down to level 3 den saw kaifEng. haha.. kaoz.. kana bully! :P
he sae " zhe me qiao (such a coincidence)"
i say " hui meh? na li qiao? wo mei ci dou zai zhe bian de, shi hen shao kan dao ni lor (will meh? where got coincidence? i everytime here one only seldom see you lor..)
den he say: "ha nah ha nah" haha.. lamE lor he.. seldom see him around in school also.. cox heard from shukai that they now camp inside 2136.. stupid lor.. den during DBMS, KP cried.. i dono why also.. haiz. hope she can cheer up.. ya KP? never listen to ms ho teachin DBMS today.. doing up the sketches for GDIT.. haizo.. haha..
after class end, we go 2033 do gdit.. all last minute pia liaoz.. WZ haven touch on anything yet.. muz jia you leh! saw joseph in lab later on.. haha.. his presence doesn't affect me much now.. yea? sher came over later on.. and told me about her day together with ai wee during gdit when they self-declare break.. haha.. they saw so many shuai ge lor.. wth.. bo jio me.. haha.. k lah, is not bo jio, is i nv see my hp..haha.. good lor sher.. get to see ****** so close up somemore.. nite time cannot sleep le lah.. haha.. doing halfway, kana chase out cox lab closing.. haha.. before that sher saw ****** at 2034.. den we damn hyper liaoz.. haha.. we go to 2036 and they go to 2035.. wah.. took the comp that can get a perfect view manz.. i love it! ****** is so shuai, so cool, so nice and cute.. haha.. wear specs leh.. first time.. damn shuai lor.. haha.. keke.. got to go do up writeup le.. haiz..

^_^ happy!

Wednesday, August 25, 2004 . 11:57 PM

wAH.. suPEr stress noW!!! gdit leFt 2 more days to pia.. die le la.. haven really complete.. and now is like.. rushing everything.. damn SUx loRx.. lACk of sLeep.. and i cant believe that when i reached home, i ate dinner le and i go sleep liaoz.. only sleep for 1.5 hrs.. haiz.. den have to pia through the nite again.. like ytd like that.. cant take it le lor.. but i mux be strong.. cox after friday, everything will be alright.. i can have my sleep liaoz.. den pia for term test le.. which starts on thurs.. haiyo.. how am i going to survive now? everyone is all so super busy right now.. haiz..

Tuesday, August 24, 2004 . 11:15 PM

gdit tutorial today was fun.. haha.. took a look at the texture pictures that the class has done.. haha.. gosh were there many comments.. by CK that group.. as usual. haha.. it's so fun! after that, ms huei showed us two MVs by jay chou.. haha.. the qi li xiang MV see le i so heartbroken.. haha, cox the female lead wasn't me.. and the female lead got a hug from jay chou..*sob sob* wish i was the one manz!~ =P then poor WZ sitting beside me has to hear me whine.. sorry ar WZ.. haha.. too hyper over jay chou le.. =P then josel and KP ji siao until so bad.. haha.. the way they ji siao me damn funny thats why i cry.. not too heartbroken over the MV.. haha.. k, it's lame manz..

stayed back to do gdit.. at 2031.. den saw hanyuan at 2032, so called him over to help me out.. hehe.. so long never talk to him le.. and that was the first time i talked to him in school for so long.. hehe.. suddenly miss the times me, him, jerry, anna, max and the other promoters having fun at OG(A).. haizo.. hehe.. *PS: hanyuAn so cuTE! hehe..

--never ever leave me alone, cox i will be afraid, i will be scared.. until i won't noe what i will do.. suddenly missing him again.. juz dono what to do, who to tell, who to confide in..haiz.. not jimmy cox he got too much things to do liaoz.. not shifu or sher.. cox i juz dono why too.. the kind of loneliness feeling is back again when i need a talk.. i don wanna go into 2nd time depression.. after the 1st one and i had a great talk with joseph thru sms, i felt better.. haiz.. i'm feeling so lost now.. nowhere to turn to.. help! where are you joseph? give me one of those talks again.. feel like cryin now..

22/8/04 (Sunday)
today is kAifeng birthday.. hehe.. wished him happy birthday online as well as send pic sms to him.. =P did nothing much as wad i remembered... juz slacking around and watching Athen games.. oh no! Li Jia Wei lost! she cant get bronze.. haiz..but nvm, it's a good try though and to have her representing Singapore, it's quite an achievement liaoz.. watched the national day rally.. watched only the last 1.5 hrs.. haha.. S.A.D!! civil servants only work 5 days a week.. means no more alternate saturday work! which means, every saturday, my mom and dad will be at home! oh no! how terrible can this change be? haizo.. wth siaz.. y change this one? Argh! went online a while using e-messenger and chat with shukai.. haha den off i go to sleep.. too tired le..

23/8/04 (Monday)
wAh! damN tireD!! juz ain't enough sleep.. drawing lessons- BORED! as usual.. haizo.. but at least, i found my drawing improve a little.. lolx.. too much drawing liaoz.. went 2032 to find josel ( she never come for drawing.. pigheAD! =P) saw adriel inside.. aHH!!! haha.. told sher then she ask he at where so tell her lor.. den later at IDEAS, she told me that she at 2032 now.. wth.. =P dr tan never come.. and the class size was like freaking small? my class and 10 1A04 pple.. ya.. then got 5 min break so went out and saw adriel again! haha.. wad a small world.. lolx.. had OC! dreadful! juz dono what to do for OC. . and it's like i have forgotten quite alot of things.. haizo.. saw shifu at level 3 after class, so after handing in the morg, went to find him.. he was with alex and dominic.. ya.. then later saw jasper, haha.. he went down and came up with a gal. haha.. all thought that was his girlfriend, den dominic say later my that fren( referring to sher) noe le, so sad.. lolx.. haha.. went back home later on.. shifu went back home cox his fren going his house.. den only me and dominic.. hehe.. talk alot on the train with dominic.. ya.. haha.. talking craps lahz.. =P nite time quite slack.. supposedly to do my gdit at home.. buthen aiyah.. things cropped up.. have to teach my sister her maths.. den later tried to attempt dbms tutorial questions.. oh gosh! so hard!! do till so pek cek den do gdit.. which make me even more fed-up.. cox juz dono how to start.. lolx.. haizo..

*PS: sher go watch garfield preview with ai wee.. *sob sob* bo jio me go.. =P haha.. garfield juz reminds me of jerry.. lolx.. haiyo. so long never see my ex-colleagues liaoz.. hey sher.. garfield nice rite? hehe..

today.. haha.. had fetching game.. everyone was early. yeA! cox cher got presentation.. haha.. good luck for your presentation! woAH! KP and Mel never come for DBMS! pigheADs! =P wake up so late.. haha.. joking.. today morg quite ok lah.. finally through all my slacking weeks,this is the first morg practicali have completed.. lolx.. hehe.. saw adriel again when went out to buy something eat with KP.. haha.. oh goD! haha.. laughing siaz.. wahaha.. so sad sher.. =P

Saturday, August 21, 2004 . 11:26 PM

hmn.. today went to chinatown with KP and josel.. hehe.. went to take pics for gdit.. joSel was latE!! piGheAd lAHz she!! haha... make me and KP sit at the control station there then ppl thought we are beggers.. =P had fun yA? hmn.. went to BK to eat.. lala~ the counter there was like so high lor.. and when we order, it makes us look like small little kids.. haha.. ok, i'm short! *bleAHz* hmn.. finally i noe whazzup the past few weeks.. don worry, my lips are sealed.. *swear* hmn.. juz realise that for the whole of this week, our moods have improve alot definitely.. when one sad and depressed, everyone's mood are the same too, buthen now when one is happy and carefree.. we are the same too.. hope that the 3 of us and whoever are concerned to overcome all the odds together.. we juz don wanna spoil the friendship rite? after that went to jo's house.. help her install the 3dmax thingy and illustrator.. lolx.. i do 3dmax for her den KP help her install illustrator.. buthen in the end cannot, cox her hard disk full.. waH! so many things arx? haha..
hEY, thanks guys for today manz~ you really brighten up everything.. hope things will stay as they are now.. and not be so complicated!

++.: oh no! li jia wei loSt the match!! hAizo.. she rOcks manz~ =P
++.: few more minutes and it's KF birthday.. happy birthday to you~

Friday, August 20, 2004 . 11:39 PM

frenz^4evEr

hmn.. went bugis with sher and cher.. yooHoo.. had lotsa fUN! =P.. took neoprints, like that one above.. ya.. hehe.. took many many shots. . haha.. 2 more days then KF b-dae le.. lOlx.. stupid shukAi asked what i buy.. dUH~ then he buy also bo jio .. bo count me in also.. *sob sob*
hmn.. weather now: raining
it's cold right now and i am in the comp lab.. seems like i am forever in school bloggin huh? lolx.. been a habit liaoz?? hehe.. at least nowadays when have practical, i do finish everything first then online and all mahz.. muz pia liaoz.. cannot slack hehe..
today came to school early for dbms remedial.. we asked for it one.. then in the end, juz when i was leaving the house, QL smsed me that KP, josel, mel and she not coming.. wth lorx.. den later WZ smsed asked if i going and i sae ya.. so idoitic lor.. only me and WZ went for dbms.. played fetchin game with joseph today.. ya, last minute de.. never get to read his sms last nite, cox i fell asleep le.. haha.. today meet him at raffles, i was late.. cox i got out of the house late? ya.. haha..
had OC... we doing recording of our speeches today.. and it's like my speech is so damn wrong lorx.. haizo.. monday muz present again.. sianz diao le la..
waH! jennifer ang came in during gdit juz to ask who wrote that they signed up for the ict camp and they nv get back the refund($10) dono why also..she sae director wanna noe.. haha.. die le.. club sure kana liaoz..

last nite slept late again... cox have to pia all the assignments and all.. these few days sure have very little sleep liaoz.. haiz.. when is these sleepless nights gonna end? haizo.. ytd stayed back in school to do morg.. yes! finally finished mORg! hooRAY! now is only pia gdit liaoz.. oh ya, by the way, gdit dateline is extended.. hehe.. extended to 25/8/04(wed) so good.. so can have more time doing.. felt so relaxed but worried.. haha.. dono why worried too.. hehe..

haiyo.. so afraid of one thing.. wad if one day i find myself missing him again? (although i have given up on himle, but sometimes will still miss him.. as a fren)wad if one day, i find that i prefer the past to the present althought the past will never return? what if one day.. what if.. there are juz so many what ifs.. haizo.. hope that i can overcome all these one day..

~~the memories that were once so sad were to be forgotten and to be faded away and away.. never to return.. the memories that were so happy are to be kept.. no matter how hurt they past have been, the happy memories still linger on and on.. ~~

Wednesday, August 18, 2004 . 11:51 PM

today, cassandra came to SP.. miss her so much.. so long never see her le..she never go her class.. hehe.. went up to 2032 to find sher and cass.. yoOhOo~ hehe.. only when the lab close den shifu come.. den we nowhere to go until someone saw jasper in mlt11.. got short film showing in mlt11.. so we were like deciding want to go anot? haha.. later sher gave me a pat.. she say she saw KF wearing cap and entering mlt11.. ahHh!! hmn. .think he wear cap should be not bad-looking barhz.. hehe.. my GL lehx.. lolx.. keke.. yeS! decided to go in and watch the short films..sat at the steps there beside jasper there.. thankz ar shifu.. haha.. =P goSh was the films funny.. especially the show: Fifteen. it's very natural due to the language used.. haha.. those who watched should noe what i mean rite? lolx.. but the show was quite meaningful.. very worthwhile.. after the whole thing ended.. cass said she wanna explore SP so we brought her around.. shifu did most of the talking.. =) later on we all went back home.. met up with jimmy and his fren (dominic) then all take train go back.. all taking towards the east line.. hehe.. wah.. with shifu and cass.. enough to make us laugh le.. both were so crappy manz! hehe.. wish cass could be in SP.. haha..

haizo.. felt so left out again.. this time is in my own cliques.. sher, cher, shifu, joseph and me.. juz ain't in the same wavelength as them.. somehow got a feelin that sher, shifu noe alot of things that i dono at all.. are there so many secrets that i shouldn't know? haiz.. wish i wasn't existing in this world at all.. how do you really prove your existence in this world? how do you turn this world into a beautiful place without any worries and unhappiness? haiz.. yea, noe wad? i have given up on joseph.. cox i think that he likes someone else and maybe they all noe about it? not sure.. thats part of a reason why i chose to give him up.. it isn't an easy task though... but I believe that with my strong determination.. i can do it and ya, i have really done it! really wanna thAnk God for giving me back my determination, my confidence and all.. hope everything would be ok.. i pray..

to jimmy: take care of yourself lehx.. fallin sick le ar u.. hehe.. don stress over your FYP..i'm sure you all can make it! chEERz~
yoyoyoyo.. hehe.. now in lab.. dono how to do le.. lolx. lazy to think infact.. hehe.. anyway going for break soon.. so juz write my blog lor.. :) die le la.. leon chua wanna see our poster on friday.. to see how far we have progressed before extending dateline? haha.. no ideas how?? no inspiration at all.. haiz.. die le la.. morg also haven do! how how how?? these few nights must burn midnight oil le. last time is burn midnight oil to study for prelims and 'O's.. now is burn midnight oil to pia assignments.. wtf lor... really going to have sleepless nights now.. like last nite. doing halfway den go sleep.. dono who off my comp too.. haha..

oh yeA! i have forgotten him! thats very good.. hehe..

Tuesday, August 17, 2004 . 12:53 PM

now in lab.. hehe.. felt that my mood improved alot lately.. as in i'm more happy now.. so long never felt this happy le.. haha.. thankz alot to mr joseph chong wai kit.. for telling me so many many things about Jesus God.
felt so tired and sleepy today.. cox slept late last nite? haha.. was burning my mp3 halfwae and down i slept.. hehe. today cher never played fetching game with us.. haiz.. pon maths ar!! bad gaL! haha.. too busy with your video le aR? hehe.. nvm.. got so many seniors helping in video sure can de.. haha.. omG! why i wear same colour as joseph today? argH!! haha.. we never say wear wad colour at all.. xin you lin xin barhx.. haha.. =) thats wad makes us good frenz in the first place.. =P
mOrg is boring.. thought mario will be so good to tell us more on our assignment but he didn't! how could he rite? haiz.. go for break le.. =P

Monday, August 16, 2004 . 4:44 PM

now in sch lab updating my bloggie.. hehe.. today lessons were quite ok.. our class got say by our PTN.. she sae that our class attitude seems to be slacking alot.. haha.. have to agree with that.. lolx. i feel that i am the most slack in my class. haha.. after the number of lessons that i have pon.. haha.. let's buck up manz 1A03~ no more slacking le.. haha.. now i cant pon at all cox gotta keep those time for 31/8..maybe going back to esss for teachers' day celebrations.. not sure yet.. haha..

last nite really almost went into depression.. smsed jimmy tellin him that i am feeling very left out from everybody and everything in the world.. he never replied till today cox he 's occupied doing his FYP.. okok.. i understand.. haha.. FYP more important.. =) juz really dono what to do so smsed joseph tellin him the same thing.. dono why but he replied real fast.. maybe cox he noes that something is wrong liaoz? i dono! my mood juz changed suddenly..juz like how the seasons changed.. told him the same thing and he told me to tell him slowly what happened cox he will be there listening.. thats wad i really need.. thankz joseph! he told me his beliefs in Jesus God and i believe him, cox i myself was once a GB( girls' brigade) and we look upon toHim too.. he said that he understood what i'm going through cox he once went through it too.. the loneliness he felt, the pains and sufferings he is going through.. but one thing that we differ is that he has a religion whereas i donT! i'm juz a free thinker~ but after what he said to me and all.. i felt much much better.. better than before.. especially after a good cry.. one in which i have never done after my 'O's.. everything has been suppressed inside of me for so long.. and i juz dono what to do until last nite.. all i hope for is that someone is able to take my sufferings and pains away from me.. to take away the loneliness inside of me... and that someone is Him.. cox He was the one who created Man.. who understands Man the most.. anyway, really thankz alot for everything last nite joseph! you're a great fren! never regret knowing you manz~ hehe.. hope that you will be happy too..

today came to sch and saw adriel on the mrt. from simei.. haha, smsed sher and told her about it.. gosh was she S.A.D haha.. later that she called me haha.. too hyper and S.A.D over me meetin adriel le.. haha..noe wad? i was walkin beside adriel when coming down the escalator, tappin out the ez-link card, and walkin towards SP security point. haha.. until he went down to the bus stop.. hehe.. envy mah shER?? lOlx. was smilin to myself all the way to t19.. haha.. ok, although adriel's looks met our expectations, but to me, someone looks even better.. especially in formal.. haha.. never gonna say out who.. but it's juz FRenz.. keke.. no chemistry lahz.. haha.. so to all who noe i talkin about.. suan all you want lor.. =P later suan till sianz liaoz den ok le.. haha..

yes! i'm finally happy now! juz feeling so relaxed! maybe cox after the smsin with joseph really helped.. KP also said that i looked more cheerful these few days.. hehe.. not because of joseph that i am cheerful.. haha.. and it's not you-noe-who that i like to see in formal.. but i juz dono why.. haha.. anyway.. glad that i am back now! but slowly slowly, i will get back my confidence, my motivation to get things done and my determination.. cox i seemed to have lost all those in the past few weeks.. =)

to sher: so sorry.. cannot see adriel at kembagan anymore.. haha.. and i will be the first to see him now.. from simei.. haha.. nvm, it's ok.. we can try again on thurs.. to see our luck.. but hope that if we are able to see him, something wont cock up.. nobody will be late for fetching game.. hehe..
to joseph (that is if you are able to see it cox i noe you are a busy guy =P): really thankx alot.. i appreciate it.. if it weren't for you, i really dono where to turn to le.. last nite was really at the bottom of everything.. where negative thoughts all start coming.. but you changed that all.. and stop it from happening by telling my alot of things.. really thankz alot.. frenz not long only and you helped me so much in helping me to overcome my feelings.. frenz forever!

Saturday, August 14, 2004 . 10:20 PM

ytd was friday.. hehe.. wad did i do? haha.. okay.. had lessons which were boring.. josel, KP and mel nv came for the first 2 lessons.. den only when super mario lesson they come.. haha. u guys bo jio siaz.. :p how can? haha.. den after break was gdit practical.. using illustrator.. i hate iT!! jUZ dono hoW to conTrol the tooLS. bOo~ quite fed-up with it.. haha.. spoil mood only.. after class went to wait for sher den we walked back to t20.. cher filmin shifu.. haha.. after that sher and shifu went to pat b-day party at hill view.. i cannot go.. s.a.d!! came home nothing to do.. so bored.. watch tv and sleep!! haha..

** hmn.. sorry pAt.. nv go.. hAppy belATed birthdaY~

today.. went to west coast park for drawin lessons.. boRed!! quite slack.. but nt bad eh the drawing.. lolx.. keke.. praisin myself only.. hehe.. interacted with sher's classmates.. gosh were they fun! hehe.. if only my class was like this.. :) so fun and lame and there's no boundaries between guys and gals.. on the way back home.. received his sms.. quite surprised.. told me he figured out qi li xiang liaoz.. haha. gd gd.. hmn.. juz dono why.. suddenly missin him again.. i am so afraid.. haiz.. what should i do?? missing him now.. 4 more days.. i tell myself i give myself 4 more days to think of the happy things and den juz erase them off.. i'm confident i can do it until today.. when i juz so suddenly think of him.. why why whY?? tell me why??

the guys are pissed off with ahmad..haha .. cox he scolded them for nothing.. it's like we are already poly students liaoz.. don ever treat us like secondary school kids.. ya, after doing the first close-up drawing went mac buy thing and eat cox we were hungry.. he saw us with food and sae that he is very angry now.. ok we get the hint.. added on sayin that we wont like it when he is angry.. finE then.. so we juz carried on with our work.. haiz..

to 1A03 guys: you were really very 'lucky' to get chided for nothing.. and for the languages he used.. it's very harsh i have to admit.. really have to agree with Wei Li and Chee Kui.. indeed good speakers.. :P :p

felt so distant from everybody now.. haiz.. juz dono why.. S.A.D!!

Thursday, August 12, 2004 . 11:15 PM

haha..today dbms was slackin throughout the lesson.. went out with geraldine to slack for 15 mins.. den when they break we go back in den QL say want come out so i come out with her.. haha.. it's like i am slacking for 45 mins? haha.. during the break with geraldine, saw sher and her class at level 3 bench.. so joined them a while.. haha. saw adriel.. omG! haha.. told sher.. haha.. all got hyper over him.. lOlx.. okay, juz me and her? haha.. when out with QL, saw jimmy at fc6.. told him sth.. hehe.. *winks* it's a secret.. okay. fine it's not really a secret.. cox shifu noe about it.. sad.. haha..

helped out cher again.. haha.. completed everything about 6.. den saw adriel again.. haha.. i too hyper this time le.. k i admit.. haha.. so we faster packed everything and me sher and cannie( shi jie) we went off.. den left cher and shifu behind.. haha.. think shifu angry with us.. sorry wor~

now chatting with shukai.. haha.. chat with him very relaxing.. juz dono why.. kana suan.. haha.. why now everybody start suaning me with the same person: KF.. diaoz.. fine! i admit that time i really wanted to see him in his formal with shirt tucked in.. cox he look good in it mahz.. haha.. then from then i kana liaoz.. *sob sob* haha..
supposedly to play fetchin game with sher and cher but i woke up late thus never meet them.. sorry~ hehe.. now webp.. still feel lik sleeping.. he smsed back after last nite i smsed him.. he's gonna tell me the meaning of life after ytd i told him that my life is so topsy turvy and i find it real meaningless.. sorry guys if i really juz ain't myself these few weeks..

sorry to my frenz who tried askin whats wrong with me but i juz kept quiet..
sorry shifu if i nv tell you anything ytd.. why i so silent throughout the journey back home..
sorry joseph if i say i hated you (although i was joking only).. and i don hate you at all.. I dont even hate everybody.. i juz hate myself.. ya..

finally. thankz to my frenz and everybody for tolerating my stubborness.. my character and all.. really thankz a million to you guys~

Wednesday, August 11, 2004 . 11:58 PM

read KP's blog.. it's hard to keep frenz secrets.. i'm sure they will understand you, ritE? maybe you wish to be like me and QL but we somehow felt left out from the group, do you really still wish to be like us? think you guys have also noticed how me and QL alwys seat together de bahz.. cOZ we really don understand a single thing you all are talking about.. you have not really let us down at all.. to us, it's juz the sadness that we are feeling.. yea? don feel guilty about lefting us out anymore larhx.. k? =) cox maybe sometimes the fault doesn't lies in you?

skipped gdit lecture.. haha. woke up late.. hehe.. so cool. . lolx.. argH! have to form groups again.. as usual, KP, josel, mel and WZ wil be together leaving me and QL to form with others.. juz don get it!! hate everything now!! don like every single thing that is happening to me!! where are you? are you skipping classes today too? i think so.. else you wud have replied back..
rite? haiz.. juz when dbms pract end.. saw his msg that he is on the way to school now.. it's like very useless lor.. his lessons end at 1pm.. den he juz come to school cox he got other things to do.. haiz.. cant be bothered much cox still a little sad over the class thingy..
went to food haven and had lunch meeting with out PTN.. the food there quite alright.. took quite little cox really got no appetite to eat at all.. never talked much there too.. smsed sher saying that i juz hate everything in my life now.. any moment may go into depression.. i am really damn sad today.. these few weeks.. whats happening to me?
skipped webp lecture.. juz aint no mood to attend any more classes.. went to fc6 instead.. den helped cher out in her dvid project.. hehe.. shifu looks funny.. :P went home abt 6.20pm.. was quiet throughout the whole journey back.. hey shifu.. sorry if i really nv tell you whats the matter with me.. is not i pms ok? it's juz that i'm really thinking of certain things.. so, if you see this.. really a million sorry~
went back home.. ate little too.. watched singapore idol which is damn stupid.. judges were critising like hell.. haha.. told him that he should join cox i feel he is much more talented than them.. haha.. heard him sing a little that time at club.. haiz.. whats the use of really sayin all these..

sometimes, it juz made me wonder whats life now.. seems so meaningless to me.. juz no motivation to study, to attend classes.. where has my determination and confidence go to? where is the me before all these problems appeared? haiz.. really dono whats happenin now..

thankz shukai for asking whats up.. what i told you is juz part of it.. there is just so much more.. and i may really break down any moment.. haiz.. FYP finally over liaoz.. happy le lor? don need wear formal.. but i not happy.. haha.. cox cannot see you all in formal.. everytime see is always you all never tucked shirt.. idoit lor.. haha.. =) got to go sleep liaoz.. gettin tired soon..

Tuesday, August 10, 2004 . 5:44 PM

now using jimmy's laptop to blog.. hehe.. me is damn bored.. juz took a look at the hunks and babes from all the other polys.. haha.. not much hunks at all.. keke.. adriel is cool~ lolx.. now at fc6.. haha.. tml have to help out cher with her dvid project.. and tml i going for jogging too..

hehe, saw kaifeng today in his formal again.. buthen he nv tucked in.. bOO~ sAD! haha.. dUhz.. kana suan by shifu and jimmy.. haha.. on kaifeng lah.. so idoitic.. haha.. hmn.. the weather seems so cool and nice now.. don feel like going home at all.. scared to feel lonely, afraid that i will anyhow think again.. most afraid of missing him.. has been sad throughout the whole day.. juz don have the mood to talk to anyone.. except for my cliques, yea?

listening to music now.. dono why i will juz find all the sad songs i can find in the winamp.. it juz suits my mood now.. haiz.. really don wanna feel sad anymore.. if it is juz because of him.. really don wanna..

sorry 1A03 galz if today if i am really so quiet.. i really don have the mood to talk at all.. i'm sure KP will noe.. one thing that really makes me feel out of 1A03 is that i juz don seem to noe what you guys are talkin about.. there are juz too many secrets between you all.. you will juz tend to lower your voices when talkin things out of a sudden.. what is it that separates you guys and me? i juz don get it! is it cox i'm not close to you all and is always with my ict cliques that made me feel left out? i dono! 6 gals and 2 are alwys out of place.. have you guys know how we felt? to be left out in a particular big grp..

sometimes, i juz dono what to do with myself.. dono what am i thinking.. find that i am becoming more like joseph.. anytime on that mode.. i am very afraid to on that mode.. and i don wish to.. no one noes the inner me yet.. how and who is the inner me? is it the real me? i dono..

~*living in a world of my own.. hoping to find the real me.. *~
sent him forward good nite msg.. he replied back.. askin me whether he shud wear wad colour shirt today..to me, it's very lame.. cox wad i tellin him is what i am wearin toady.. which is blue.. met him at raffles with sher.. cher late..took wrong bus haha.. saw him wearin blue.. shud noe i change to black juz now.. haiz..

chattin with sher online.. as well as using net send.. haha.. told her i miss him again.. she tell me it's pointless missin him.. we both feel that he maybe got new target that's why.. but only shifu and him noe whats going on, coz that time when i asked shifu helped me get my answer, they chat abt other things which shifu don wanna let us noe.. if my guess is correct, it's abt him liking someone else? i dono.. thats my guess only.. haiz.. really feel like crying now.. juz hasn't gone over it yet.. hadn't cried enough.. wish time would stop at the day we watched windstruck.. really hope time can turn back.. but it's impossible..

----====sometimes, the truth really hurts.. but i still wanna noe everything.. shifu, if you see this can tell us what you and him chat about the other day? i really want to noe.. please.. ===---

Monday, August 09, 2004 . 11:55 PM

almost went crazy last nite.. smsed him tell him how pissed off i am with my life.. y?y?Y? why must it alwys be when you get hurt then think of the unhappy things? really don understand! had a nice sms with him.. sometimes i really envy him... he noes he is not happy at all, but alwys when in school, he is alwys that happy-go-lucky.. the mask he wear is really good.. hope that wad i sae wont on his that mood of his..

juz came back from the stadium.. yOohOo~ quite alright the performance.. hehe... i like the fireworks.. it's so cool.. so nice.. but if only you watched it with the one you like.. it would be so romantic.. at the stadium, i started thinking of him.. thus i sms: haiz.. i miss him.. supposedly send to shifu.. buthen think i sent it to him.. haha, den he reply who i miss.. so i asked him to juz ignore it.. cox i don want him to noe that i missin him... smsed shifu again.. this time shifu replied back.. he say that he noes it's tough on me.. but i have to face it cox it's i who wanna noe the truth.. at least i noe shifu will be there for me now coz i really have to try my best to forget him.. i really haven been feelin like this for a long time since sec 3.. shifu told me i have to make my choice now cox he already said how he feel liao.. it's either i continue missing him or juz miss him as a fren onli.. i really dono what to do.. felt so lost.. chatting with sher and him now.. talkin abt fetchin game tml.. ya.. keke..gtg slp now..

**if only you are here.. if only i never knew you in the first place..**

Sunday, August 08, 2004 . 11:23 PM

i'm feeling like the past now..ytd watched the last episode of winter sonata.. it was really sad.. but ending is perfect.. today was damn bored.. eat and sleep.. juz like a pig.. started thinking of him.. thus i ended up writing how we got to noe each other during FO camp until now.. was amazed by myself.. it was a long story.. hehe.. it really made me cheer up thinking of how i got to noe him to watching movies with him.. it's really happy memories.. but what's the use.. haiz..

chatting with him online now.. told him that i was quite pissed off with my life.. and how i hope someone can really understand what i am going through now.. and he understood it, cox he went through them also.. sometimes i really envy him.. though he noe he not happy, he still wear a happy mask.. i cant do it! cox i am fishy.. sometimes show feelings but juz dont say what i feel.. haiz. gtg sleep now..

to jimmy: thankz alot.. hope you will be happy too~

Saturday, August 07, 2004 . 10:50 PM

had my answer last nite, when shifu asked him when he came online.. the answer is negative.. maybe thats what i had expected. ..ya? when i asked shifu how the outcome, he say negative.. though i replied back as though i'm alright, i noe that i am not.. deep in my heart, i juz wanna cry... juz a good cry.. only ytd den do i start to feel that i want to keep a distance from him.. but will that help me forget that i still like him? will it help? told kaifeng abt this... miss chatting with kaifeng.. frenz only~!~ cox kaifeng is one where he has mature thinking? ya? and can easily talk to also.. haiz.. should i keep a distance from him? i dono.. it will be too obvious liaoz..

read KP's blog.. ya, thank alot KP.. i like him, and i think he noes too.. but maybe giving up seems tough to me.. really tough.. juz imagine, since the day of the ICT FO camp which is on 21 Jun until now.. this is like a movie playin without sound to me.. maybe i will let it be juz a part of my happy memories hangin out together ya? anyway, thankz alot..

happy memories are wad? what's happy memories to me now? it is juz meant to be kept in a box that i don want to open, i think.. a box that contains memories of jun 21 onwards.. on how he tried to sabotage me by askin me to get jasper number.. how we went out to watch windstruck.. how me, cher ,sher and him playing fetchin game almost everyday.. how i started to get addicted to drinking ice milo everyday.. haiz.. until now, i still have the tickets for windtstruck.. what should i do? maybe like kaifeng say.. i need time.. and he is sure that time can really make me forget him..

woke up at 11am today..damn pissed off.. wake up and kana say.. sometimes, i really juz wonder how everyone manage to get along so well with their parents and i cant.. i juz cannot communicate with them.. especially with my mom.. i really had difficulties talkin to her.. you asked why my cousins they can communicate so well with their parents.. i tell you why.. cox their family noe how to joke when there is a need to.. cox when they speak they don treat it as nothing..juz think about it, everytime i talk to you guys about anything did you all give me a damn on what i am talkin about? do you? when my cousins they talk about any hunks or wadever they see.. they talk to their parents about it and their parents will talk together with them the same topic too...but for me did you? when i talk about any hunks i see.. you will juz think on the negative side of me.. as if i'm damn despo to be with a guy.. u say i everytime come home face black black.. when did i? everytime i come home, the whole house is damn quiet.. i don even noe when the bomb will explode on me at all... really dono.. what do you really expect from me? to be like my cousin? i cant! cox theirs is a happy family whereas mine? a sad family that seems to explode any moment when people juz ain't in their good mood? i really dono what to do? juz find myself so different when i am at home and when i am with my frenz.. at least when i am with my frenz, i am happier alot more.. and when i am home i will feel so lonely.. i really dono how to improve my relationship with you.. really dono.. juz give me some freedom and a living space of my own!! thats what i wanted from you but you have never gave me that.. all you did was to check things up on me.. why muz you be like this? i really don understand..

now chatting with shifu.. told him what happened today.. told me to cool down.. i have done that.. but one thing that remain unchanged is the thoughts inside of me.. really don want to think about it anymore but i juz cant.. i noe i still miss him.. one day has passed only.. haiz..

~* I miss you alot more after knowing the answer.. I really needed someone by my side today and all that came to my mind was you.. yes you!!*~

Friday, August 06, 2004 . 10:17 AM

How do you prove that you exist? Maybe we don't exist...
To be forgetten is worse than death.
If a Dream come True, it is not a Dream...
Even in Pain you can Sleep, But if you Inflict pain, you can never sleep...
Who is it that will love me so, even to the point he'd cast away his precious life to me? You?

Yesterday is history.Tomorrow is mystery.Today is a gift.

now slackin at home.. having lessons at 11.30am, but don feel like going... so i decided to give the morg lecture a miss.. i don carE! haha.. can say i these whole week really slack alot.. i dono why also.. ever since the gdit assignment is completed, ever since the day he told me all those things.. i have been feeling restless.. feeling unhappy.. i really dono what to do.. really feeling very down now..

at least i noe that there is someone for me when i am really down.. but it's only whether i will open up to them.. sorry shifu, cher and sher if i sometimes nv really share probs with you guys.. and i find it hard to change this character of mine.. ya?

haiz.. i still haven got my answer yet.. i really want to noe the answer, coz at least the answer can let me get out as soon as possible, to remove the knot inside my heart.. he didn't came online last nite.. did something happen? or was he juz too restless to come online.. i really dono..

** i know i will still miss you even if the answer turn out to be negative.. and all i need is time...**

Thursday, August 05, 2004 . 11:45 PM

i'm so tired.. juz cant get out of my bed today.. dono why.. maybe slept too late last nite? haiz.. really miss him alot.. arGH! why bring up the question that i'm so afraid to noe? but after pondering over it, i think it's good that someone brought up this question.. at least if i have the answer to this question, maybe it will release the heavy load in my heart.. yA? supposedly to meet him together for fetching game, but he is late.. forever late.. so me and sher met him at fc4.. and it's like 9.30am liaoz lor.. sher late le.. so she go for her class first.. den a while later he came.. dUHZ.. i late still never mind, but sher is late.. den it's like i and him walked together to t19.. still can walk slowly lor.. haha.. who cares if i am late.. hehe.. juz realised that i now seem to slack alot.. really alot.. now webp.. and den it's like i do halfwae, ask my fren continue to do den send me.. haha... this whole week damn slack lor me. dono why also.. ever since the gdit assignment completed i have been like this.. haha..

haiz, S.A.D.. monday cannot jio people go see fireworks.. cox i am going to the parade itself.. my dad got tickets for whole family.. haiz.. don feel like going this yr.. really feel like spending the time with my frenz.. haiz..

later going jogging after class with shifu.. den he stayin back like last thurs like that to do project.. haiz.. den cannot go back together.. nvm..

what should i do now? i want to get my answer but i juz dono how long it will be to noe the answer.. really dono.. if he ever see this that's good.. at least he noe how i feel.. and at least he can tell me his answer.. haiz... juz don want to get hurt at all.. i really juz dono what will happen to me if i get hurt this time round.. so please.. if you ever see this, and really noe what i am thinking, tell me the truth in a way where i wont get hurt.. i'm sure you can do it since both of our thinking are the same rite?

today break time saw jasper and then adriel.. haha.. so sad sher.. cannot get to see who you want to see but see who you don want to see.. haha... omG! i cant believe what i did during DBMS!! i actually fell asleep while listening to my discman.. haha.. not on purpose de cox i noe during CRS i was already sleepy.. haha.. end up today DBMS dono what she teaching..

after DBMS went sports complex find shifu, he jogging so i also jog.. yea, jogged 3 rounds... haha.. next wed again! lolx.. after that went queensway with shifu, chalk and his fren.. they looked at jersey size cox chalk class doing jersey.. so united.. envy siaz.. haha.. saw a pair of sport shoes that i liked.. hehe.. pink and blue.. new balance de.. hehe.. keke.. nvm! haiz, now online so bored no one to talk to me! and i am like so tired! super duper tired! haiz, think i log off now and go sleep..

Wednesday, August 04, 2004 . 11:15 PM

hmn.. how should i start off? today joseph was late for school.. yea.. and we came to school first time without meeting him.. so cooL! haha.. today gdit lesson is boring! haha.. so bored.. felt like sleepin.. haha..

today dbms practical is fun! hehe.. dono why also.. juz love dbms so much.. although some i may not understand, i try to understand also... haha.. was slacking after finishing my pract 5..haha.. stuck at pract 6.. ooP.. dono how to do.. hehe.. break time went to fc5 eat kfc.. saw hanyuan.. he so yandao.. hehe.. haha.. my ex-colleague.. cannot blame.. lolx.. miss seeing him.. oOPx. haha..heard alot of things when we were eating.. ya.. cannot say out.. haha.. sometimes, i really don understand human.. not even myself.. so frustratED!!

webP is fuN! hehe.. cox the lecturer got bullied by us? haha.. abit lahz.. after webp, got to go to the national day observance ceremony(NDOC).. got red t-shirt.. haha.. so cool.. the size quite big.. very nice to wear..haha.. quite bored over there.. den suddenly i saw hanyuan.. haha.. oMG! saw him so many times today.. he so cooL! so tall, so yandao.. haha.. but i can never like him.. haha.. smsed sherilyn when i at the NDOC... she go eat sushi with brandon pat they all.. kaoz.. i cannot go.. s.a.d.. all of a sudden juz told sherilyn that i miss him.. yea.. quite suddenly.. i don even noe why.. very very suddenly..

after the NDOC, went to cine to find them.. haha.. went hme abt 6.45pm.. haha.. met shifu at queenstown first den go.. haha.. we go there then they play pool.. so cool.. lolx.. haha.. felt so tired when i got home.. physically and emotionally tired? dono.. hmn.. on the way back, sher asked a question which i once pondered when i told shifu and jimmy that i feel like giving up.. this question really gave me a sad nite.. i need my answer.. cox to me, if he ain't any feeling anymore, i will choose to give up.. cox i noe i'm very tired.. tired of missing him cox missing him has been part of my daily activities b4 i go to slp now.. haiz.. sometimes i hate myself for liking someone.. hate myself for missing someone, hate myself for thinking about the past and hate myself for many many more things.. all these seems to sound like depression.. i dono.. i sometimes really hate myself

lately really haven been myself.. happy on outside but inner me is thinking of alot of things.. i don want this to happen.. really don want.. i tried my best to be happy to think of the better things.. but i juz cant.. why? i can tell others to look on the bright side but i cant tell myself that.. i really hate myself for being a failure!! really.. what should i do?

Tuesday, August 03, 2004 . 11:45 PM

hmn... i got the answer that i want.. it isn't cox of me that he is thinking that way.. but no matter what, i don wanna stress him up.. i don wanna him be unhappy.. so should i give up or should i not? it's really very confusing.. why can't i have both answerS? to continue missing him and he be happy... haiz.. what should i do? i really dono..

argh, now MOrg.. and i here blogging.. fell asleep when he freeze our computers.. haha.. how fun can it be? lolx... den now here we are havin a mass chat.. hmn.. a bit bored ar, so all go online and have a little fun first before starting to do our work.. hehe.. uh-oh! sherilyn also online.. hehe.. told her the latest update after last nite conversation.. yea.. hmn.. ytd we can say we really got a great shock from him lor.. don't expect him to be like that.. haiz.. but as long as now he is ok den good liaoz... even though there will still be on and off at times.. ya..

hehe, now chatting with arnoLd.. he got stomach upset so nv go sch.. hehe.. now psychoin him to choose SP after 'O' levels.. haha.. wad a good person am i.. lOlx.. their prelims starting soon.. haiz.. hope those who should have gotten over somethings have already gotten over liaoz and not to think so much about those problems.. yea, thats what i can really tell them now coz time is really running out for them liaoz.. time passes very fast.. yea? hmn.. left 30 mins more.. den breAK!! yeaH! so happy! haha..

arGH! sherilyn no more class liaoz.. so good.. how can she? haha.. no more lessons.. coz her CRS cancelled.. dUHZ! not FAIR!! den she now going town with her frenz.. bo jiO!! haha.. siAnz liaoz.. latEr dono where to go afTer class.. Shifu coming den see how.. maybe go town find her..dono also.. cox later cherene going for the stella concert at 6pm.. den joseph end at 5pm.. after that also dono where he going.. haiz.. so sian siaz. .. B.O.R.I.N.G!!

omg omG!! i saw jasper again.. haha.. without his cap.. at fc6.. cherene and shifu also saw.. haha.. so sad sherilyn.. cannot see jasper without his cap.. haha..he so cool manz.. lolx.. too bad shER! haha.. end class early lah.. see the end result? hehe.. online now with shifu cher and joseph.. wah, sher angry liaoz.. cox kana suan too much.. den joseph so blur.. his fren he also dono.. haha.. okay, maybe cox we invited him into the conversation too late? haha..

JAY ALBUM IS OUT!! QI LI XIANG!! ARGH!! haha.. keke.. so nice the sonG!! oMG! going to buy that album when i got money.. haha. definitely de.. cox the songs are juz great!! omG!!! qi li xiang!! haha.. keke.. got to go slp liaoz..

Monday, August 02, 2004 . 11:16 PM

phew, finally the gdit assignment is completed... *heave a sigh of relief* been staying up late the past few days juz to complete the stupid assignment since friday.. ya.. den on sat went back sch with sher to do up the collage again.. haiz.. damn bored.. no inspiration siaz.. in the end i nv really do up much.. after that went bugis eat long john for lunch.. haha.. den go hme.. yea! of cox i went back OG(A) to take back my disc! hehe.. after that go hme.. thats when inspiration struck me! so i went home and do another collage..hahaz..

ytd.. slept for a few hours den woke up at 10am and started doing my collage.. do until 1.30am.. haha.. hard work siaz.. facing the computer whole day is scary.. juz pray hard don increase eye sight can liaoz.. haha..

woke up at 6am today.. cox we are supposed to meet at 8am at dover..but in the end all late, so i went to the 3rd level locker there and do up my sketches.. which i haven really complete.. so rushing siaz.. den by the time josel, mel came, it's already 8.55am.. haha. went to lab to print.. den all say skip drawing.. how cool.. haha.. about 10am, we got the news that we are having a drawing test at 10.30am.. uh-oh! so we faster save and go for the drawing test.. hehe.. late for 1hr 30mins, thus marked as absent? haha.. after drawing, we proceeded to the lab again.. as me and josel had completed and handed in our assignments, we helped mel, weizhen, kp and qiuling to buy their files..so we walked all the way to popular at FC5 den buy food back.. haha.. uh-oh!! late for IDEAS.. haha.. 30mins LATE! and we can still walk slowly down to W10.. lOLx.. so steady huh? hehe.. finally, it's the end of the day! *heave another sigh of relief* everything is ovEr~ yea!

now chatting with joseph and sher.. sth happened to him? dono.. heard from sher so went to ask wads wrong.. at first he asked not to worry cox nothing is wrong.. den i tell him that he promised me something last time.. and if he feel like saying out, he will do so.. yea, told me whats wrong with him liaoz.. if it's cox of me that he's feeling this way, i will jolly well juz step aside.. so he wont be unhappy.. the worst is i will lose contact with him for the time being.. i really dono.. thoughts of giving up came across my mind once.. but now? should i juz give up just so that he will be happy? i think i should rite? i need an answer from him.. if it's cox of me he's thinking this way.. den i noe wad to do liaoz... juz frenz will be better rite?